Computerhumor #12

DOS BOOT
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN!
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
... File not found. Should I fake it?(Y/N)
SENILE.COM found... Out of Memory...
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
DOS Tip #2: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon?(Yep/Nope)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N)
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Press ctrl-alt-del to continue...
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium Pro.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot even faster!
All computers wait at the same speed.
The new, improved 586 chips make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Access denied--Nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
<---------- The information went data way ------------>
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure!
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
E Pluribus Modem
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
The name is Baud....., James Baud.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computerhumor #12

Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

ComputerHumor #11

Proper Diskette Care and Usage
(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....
(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

Fort Apocalypse's Online Emulators

This is pretty cool: http://www.geocities.com/fortapocalypse/games.html

Recent Site Updates

Here's a list of recent changes that I've made to this website:

1. Removed the blogger navbar, you can still search using the "search" box, looks better.
2. Made the scrollbars red. I dunno, I just like red scrollbars.
3. Got Google Analytics, might post site stats every once in a while.
4. Got popular. Fort Apocalypse has given me a little bump ahead. Nice to know that someone actually reads this website... I think he'll enjoy my next post. (http://www.atariage.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=139968)

That sums it up.

ComputerHumor #10

I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.
Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX."
This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.
Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac."
Er....
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"

ComputerHumor #9

I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.
Customer: "Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Ok."
Customer: "So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No it's an exe file."
Tech Support: "So it's not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No, and I can't right click either, to do a Save Target As."
Tech Support: "Oh, but you're sure it's not a Quicktime file, right?"
Customer: "Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V."
Tech Support: "Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?"

ComputerHumor #8

I was at a classmate's house once, explaining some things to her about Internet communications and about ICQ and Netmeeting and so forth. She asked me if she could download Netmeeting from the Internet, and I said she could but that she would need a microphone for the talking part. She stared at me with the most naive look and asked if she could download the microphone, too.

ComputerHumor #7

A customer called in. After pulling up his case, I realized that this was his fifth call to us over the last two days, all regarding the same product. He was trying to add a 3D accelerator card to his system and could not get it to work. He had spoken to us four times and to his computer manufacturer twice. It was still not functional.
Customer: "I hope you can help me out. I have made several calls now and cannot fix this problem."
Tech Support: "Well, I'll see what I can do. So, I am seeing here that the card is not being detected by your computer. Is that right?"
Customer: "Correct. When I boot up, Windows never detects the card. Previous techs had me run the 'Add New Hardware' wizard, and we checked the device manager, but there wasn't anything there."
Tech Support: "Ok. Have you tried putting the card into another slot?"
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "Well, if for some reason the system does not see the card in this slot, perhaps putting the card in another slot will help."
Customer: "How do I do that? Do I have to take it apart?"
Tech Support: "Yes, you will have to take the case off."
Customer: "Ok, just a second.... Ok, the case is off now."
Tech Support: "Do you have any more PCI slots free?"
Customer: "I am not sure."
Tech Support: "How many PCI slots do you have in your system?"
Customer: "Umm...eight."
Tech Support: "You have eight PCI slots in your system?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "How many white PCI slots do you have?"
Customer: "Ummm...five."
Tech Support: "Ok. Of those five, how many have something in them?"
Customer: "One."
Tech Support: "One? And is this the accelerator card?"
Customer: "No. Oh hey, is that card I got supposed to fit into one of these slots?"
Tech Support: "Yes, that's the idea. Where is the accelerator card currently?"
Customer: "Well, it comes with that small black cable, so I have it on the outside of the computer, hooked up with that cable you sent with it."
I walked him through the install process, and everything was fine. This was his seventh call to some form of support, and the card never even made it into the computer. Sigh.

ComputerHumor #6

I recently purchased a Sony Mavica still camera, which, for those unfamiliar, is a digital camera that stores snapshots on a floppy disk. Twice so far I have had someone ask me if it is safe to take the disk out in a lighted room.

ComputerHumor #5

Customer: "I bought your fancy graphics card, and my Windows display is not better than it was before."
Tech Support: "We had better look at the installation then."
Customer: "You mean I have to install it?"
The graphics card was still in the box.

ComputerHumor #4

A customer was trying to open a .zip file in PowerPoint. She was getting the error message, "This is not a PowerPoint presentation.
Tech Support: "You need to unzip the file first before PowerPoint can open it."
Customer: "But I put it on a zip disk. Doesn't that do it?"

ComputerHumor #3

I was at an ad agency a while back and there was a big project deadline looming. The folks who were printing this particular ad were about 150 miles away and had to get all of the files that the agency had put together in a hurry. We found out the hard way, after trial and error, that the print house didn't have any Internet access at all, so we couldn't email the data. So I suggested that we meet half way, and I'd give them the files on a zip disk. I asked the woman on the phone if she had a zip. She replied with a five digit number.

----------------
Now the question is: Who ever used a ZIP disk in the first place?!?!??

ComputerHumor #2

Friend: "My DVD-ROM can't read my DVDs."
Me: "Is the disk scratched? Is it in the drive correctly?"
Friend: "I'm not stupid. I know all that."
Me: "Can it read regular CDs?"
Friend: "Yes."
Me: "It is a DVD-ROM drive, right?"
Friend: "Well, it's a CD-ROM drive, but it's a 48x CD-ROM drive, and DVD-ROMs only go up to 10x, so it must be fast enough."

ComputerHumor #1

When I worked in a computer store we got a batch of paper shredders and sold them all pretty fast. One customer bought one along with a custom-built computer. He was a smart fellow, as he knew just what he wanted and even asked for the installation disks to be included in case something went wrong.
Happy to oblige, we gave him all the disks. The next day, he complained that we didn't give him the driver disk for the shredder.
The shredder, under no circumstances, required any connection to the computer. There was just a power switch. I explained it to him, and he shrugged it off when he realized his mistake and left. After that, I went into the back room and laughed till it hurt.

New Section: ComputerHumor

I'm starting a new section on the blog and in the magazine. I'm crawling the Web finding some of the funniest computer stories out there. As most of these are from my archives, I will not be able to cite the sources of many of them. If you own one of these stories, please contact me with the story number, and I will take it down or correctly cite you if that is your wish.